Losing myself and finding my way back
I chose the name Choose You Love for my company because it took me a long time to realize that I had to choose me and love me in order to be a better mom, partner and basically, everything.I was completely losing myself and who I was in this world. During a six month period after giving birth to my son, I knew something wasn't quite right with me but I ignored the symptoms. I ignored my concerns because I believed my main priority was my son. The problem is the symptoms didn't ignore me and eventually I had a total melt down.
Being a first-time mom, everything that came with having a child was new, exciting and scary. I had a ton of people in my life willing and able to offer guidance and advice but I was too ashamed to say anything. I felt guilty for having "sad" feelings. I was supposed to be happy with my baby and grateful that I was able to be home with him, yes I was losing myself. I would hide the "ugly" feelings from my family and refused to seek out help.
I was having nightmares about my ability to be a good mom. The nightmares then became a part of my daily thinking. I was worried all the time. I was constantly asking myself questions:
Was I giving my son enough love?
Am I being too lazy?
Did I do enough housework?
Did I do enough to find a job?
Will we have enough money?
Am I producing enough milk?
Who am I?
Am I losing myself?
On and on the questions went and I tried different things to make myself feel better. I went out for walks, started journaling, went on a lot of local trips. I realized really quickly that I was just trying to distract myself from feeling this way. Nothing helped!
I traveled to Dominican Republic, which I hadn't done in years. This trip was special for two reasons. It was the first time my son would visit the country my family is from. Secondly, I made it a priority to visit my grandparents' grave (two of which I lost four years prior but never said goodbye to properly). The visit overwhelmed me! Thinking about the beginning of life (my son) and the end of life (my grandparents) was the last trigger. One night I just sat in my mother's lap crying for hours! I couldn't stop. She made me tea, prayed with me and listened to my whimpering. I am grateful for my mother for her support and understanding during that time. She knew before I did, that I needed help. I was going through post-partum anxiety. In a mother's style, my mom firmly guided me to seek out the help I needed! It took several months of additional support to make the determination to get better and choose me. I am so glad I did! I didn't feel like I was losing myself and saw some light at the end of the tunnel.
Lesson Learned: Choose to face the scary, they don't just disappear!
In part 2 of this post, I will detail what help I sought out and resources that became available to me!
Thank you so much for reading! Please let me know in the comments below if you ever dealt with this (or are currently dealing). And if this post touched you somehow I would appreciate it if you could share with your friends. Feel free to also follow the conversation in my Facebook Group.
Also, if you'd love to learn how to blog; how to share your story and connect with your audience, check out the mentoring program I'm a part of. Katherine's given me some tools to be able to share my story with you all. Here's the link for more info: http://www.katherinehiraldo.com/create-to-incorporate/